I'm a Quaker married to an athiest, with a two and a half year old son. My dad and stepmom are fundamentalist christians. They have been sending our son all sorts of christian stuff. My dad has his Sunday School class praying for my husband's soul. He believes we are “out of god's sight”. I feel caught in the middle of something larger and I don't want to be there and I definitely dont' want my son to be there.

I'm catholic and Dean is fairly liberal Evangelical...

His parents are RWCC Evangelicals, so it's not an exact parallel, but it's similar.

Are you sure this is an interfaith issue, and not just a matter of parents not knowing when to butt out? Remember, conservative Christians have this concept of hierarchicalism: the Father over Jesus, Jesus over the husband, husband head of the wife, parents over children. They may still be taking responsibility for your salvation just as they did when you were two -- and it's *not* appropriate.

Scripture says, "A man (and by implication a woman) shall LEAVE his father and mother, and cleave unto his wife". Did your father "give you away" when you married? I re-wrote that part of the service as follows: "Do you, the parents of this man, release him from the obligations attendent upon his former estate? Do you bless him as he enters into Matrimony?" And the same for me and my parents. I wanted the parents, in front of God and the church, to acknowledge that it was time for a hands-off policy.

It shocked DH's father -- he mentioned the impact of it in his reception speech. But he still tested it. When he tried ordering DH to get a haircut (http://members.home.net/pamela-mclean/Dean.jpg) DH smiled and said "Dad, my *wife* (pregnant pause) *likes* my hair". A few months later when FIL said something like "I'm sorry for Dean that Pamela is making him choose between his family and her" Dean replied: "Dad, there is no choice; Pamela is my *wife*".

I cannot emphasise enough how Dean's clear loyalties strengthened our marriage. We have a decent relationship with his parents now, but that grew out of my sense of security with him, and their awareness of what lines he would not let them cross. And note that I say "decent" and *now*: there was most of a year that I refused to set foot in their house; and I will never leave my children with them over a weekend, knowing how they applied their "discipline" philosophy to my husband in his childhood.

I think, when your father tells you he's leading prayer for your husband's soul -- or anything else that you don't want to share with your husband -- you need to say something like "I appreciate your intentions, but I think Ray would find that offensive, and I find it offensive on his behalf." When Dane gets the evangelistic gifts, you need to say "Thankyou. We take Dane's religious upbringing very seriously. I will check this carefully to make sure its appropriate. You can be sure *RAY* and *I* will do what's best with the child God has given *us*." Picking of course the degree of directness that will communicate your level of discomfort without alienating them.

Scripture calls you to "Honour your father and your mother". There is no honour in assuming people are too narrow, too close-minded, too insensitive or judgemental, to be able to relate to you as equals and friends. That's what you do when you let them impose on you. Honour carries with it the trust that they will be capable of mature, respectful mutuality.

All the above advice, skewed of course by my personal experience. Pray about it (but you *knew* that!)

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