Petition: Sell Montana to Canada for $1 trillion

Someone has started a petition on Change.org to sell Montana to Canada for one trillion dollars. The Great Falls Tribune picked up the story, stating “We have a few questions.” In fact, the Great Falls Tribune has about 32 questions related to this shitpost, which I would like to answer:

1) How dare you? The anonymity of the internet – people dare lots of things from behind a keyboard.

2) Does Montana keep the nuclear missiles or what? Why would you want to? They’re a terrible liability with huge disposal costs, and the fissionables aren’t suited to fuel a Candu reactor. Ship them to Mar-a-Lago, pointy-end first if necessary.

3) Are you trying to hurt our feelings, man? See answer to #1)

4) What do Americans do about the other $20 trillion in national debt? $1 trillion would only cover a year’s federal deficit (projected to be $985 billion in 2019). Once you’re part of Canada, what do you care that what Americans due about the rest of their debt. Just make sure to transfer your mutual funds when you transfer your citizenship.

5) Does Canada have an extra trillion? Well, no. That does put a wrinkle in the plan. But apparently we had a spare 4.5 billion lying around that Trudeau-the-younger couldn’t find anything better to do with than spend it on a pipeline that’s going nowhere, so who knows what he could scrape up if challenged?

6) Would Montana still be named Montana or would we be Southern Alberta? Better Saskatchewan? Canada doesn’t do the whole North/South Dakota/Carolina thyang. All our provinces actually get their own name. I mean, we did do Upper/Lower Canada, but that was pre-confederation. I’d stick with Montana if I were you: it’s a pretty, distinctive moniker.

7) Does the universal healthcare start right away or is there a waiting period? Pretty much right away – even if you’re just a temporary resident staying for more than 180 days. Which explains why we have so many sick Americans wanting to come stay for more than 180 days.

8) Do you think Justin Trudeau like LIKES us, guys? Justin likes EVERYONE!

9) Can we take Yellowstone National Park with us? Oh, we hope so!

10) Why not Alaska? It’s not even touching the other states! On a BOGO basis? Sure! We’ll take Alaska too!

11) Would Montanans have to start saying “sorry” constantly or would there be allowances made for us as former Americans? Sorry, that was probably a rude question. Sorry! No, first you have to start caring when you inconvenience or embarrass someone else. We understand that that’s going to be quite the learning curve.

12) Canadian football, really? I can see that would be a challenge: having to control a field that’s 52% larger, move the ball an extra 5 yards, and do it all in only three downs. But your players really aren’t wusses: I’m sure they can rise to the challenge.

13) July 1 vs. July 4 for a national holiday, sure whatever. But Thanksgiving in October?! Um, yeah … it’s a HARVEST thanksgiving. Think of a crop that’s still waiting to be harvested by the third week in November, in MONTANA (let alone north of the 49th. We didn’t have a civil war, so we didn’t have to create a holiday to give thanks for the end of a civil war.

14) Can we get a special exemption from the Queen of England, or, to be specific, Elizabeth the Second, by the Grace of God, of the United Kingdom, Canada and Her other Realms and Territories, Queen, Head of the Commonwealth, Defender of the Faith? Or if we lead the provinces in revolt against the British 1776 style, does Ottawa move West? So, you’re close to understanding this. Elizabeth is Queen of Canada AS WELL AS being Queen of England. It’s like when you’re working a second job: nobody cares what your day job is, as long as you go on appointing tolerable Governors General and continuing to function as Colonel-in-Chief to the Armed Forces. So you’re exempt from the Queen of England, but pretty much stuck with the Queen of Canada. We don’t do the 1776-style thing; I think you’d have noticed that sometime in the last 243 years.

15) Is $10,626 an acre fair? Like some of those acres have skyscrapers. Ok, one of those acres does. And 1 million of those acres are Glacier National Park. It does seem a bit high, doesn’t it. The average price per acre in Montana is $2111. Maybe Justin doesn’t have to scrape together quite so much!

16) Do we build a wall against North Dakota? Or pile snow there in a Game of Thrones situation? No, building walls is an apparently American obsession, so once you’re Canadian you can stop worrying about that. Although as near as we can tell, not much progress is being made on the American wall, either.

17) Would we have to drop our speed limits to match the achingly slow pace of Canadian travel? Because that might be a dealbreaker… I get that, I do. But 110kph is less than 2mph below 70mph, and we all drive well over that. You WOULD have to learn metric though.

18) How do we sign up for our share of the maple syrup supply? Costco membership, $58/year, plus $13 per litre. I know, metric again.

19) Bilingual, blah, blah. Do we have to learn French? No, most of us haven’t bothered.

20) Does the “eh?” thing happen naturally or would we have to practice? Happens naturally, but don’t expect to sound like Bob and Doug MacKenzie. We don’t sound like them, either.

21) Who negotiates the trade agreement with Idaho to keep us in potatoes for our poutine? You can get your potatoes from Prince Edward Island.

22) What line comes after “O Canada!” in the national anthem? And then all the other lines? Just keep singing “O Canada” and “We stand on guard for thee” at random. They change the words every few years by act of parliament so no-one is sure which version is current, and anyway the person next to you is singing in French, so no-one will notice that you’re faking it.

23) Could Montana be Baja Alberta? Monterio? See #6: “Montana” has such a nice ring to it.

24) How about Canada becomes North Montana? See #6: besides, it would be confusing.

25) How much to take North Dakota, too? You’d pay us to take North Dakota?

26) Montanans keep their guns, right? Well, the legal ones: non-automatic longarms and registered pistols We’re cool with guns; it’s mainly just irresponsible gun-owners that get curtailed.

27) Just, “woo, legal marijuana!” I know, right?

28) Would this help the Missoula Curling Club get dedicated ice? I’m pretty sure there’s something in the Constitution Act about a right to dedicated curling ice. Hell, small towns that aren’t big enough to be incorporated, still have a curling rink.

29) What’s the offer for California instead? Pretty sure we’re not interested in importing California: we’d rather export snowbirds.

30) Would Mexico pay for Texas? With or without the Texans included?

31) Are we talking a trillion Canadian or American dollars? Canadian. Duh.

32) Do Canadians say “Mountie up” instead of “Cowboy up”? Nope.